Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Randomize
