so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
operation have a gay friend backfired
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
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