the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Randomize
