I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
