I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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