Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
