Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize