the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
