she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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