i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
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