I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Randomize
