just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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