I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Randomize
