I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
