My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
