Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Randomize
