You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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