My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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