So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Randomize
