I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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