Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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