apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I checked into jail on foursquare
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
