I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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