and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
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I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
He better not be in your backpack
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I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.