hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers