I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
The 21 Worst Ways People Have Been Dumped
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
19 People Confess The Worst Things They Have Been Accused Of
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
I stole an accordion from the bar
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..