I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
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