i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
