the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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