Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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