Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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