Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Randomize
