I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
