i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
