Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
I think we might need a safe word for this...
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
