where am i from again
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
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