I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
