She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Randomize
