This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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