You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
