I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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