Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
it was average length and chubby
so kinda like him?
now i'm wondering if all guys are shaped like their penis...
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
