Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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