did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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