I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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