Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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