Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
