The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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