How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
