You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Randomize
