My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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