went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
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