Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
Randomize
