So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
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