just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
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