tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
