So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Randomize
